HuffPost: How a Baby Is Like Having a Drunk Person Crash at Your House

Like a drunk person crashing at your house, a baby may:

• Need to be carried inside
• Paw at your breasts, with or without other people present
• Insist on telling long, incomprehensible stories
• Cry
• Eat all your applesauce
• Lurch around in an uncoordinated fashion, grabbing at your furniture for balance
• Fall
• Break things
• Cry more
• Leave you to clean up the mess
• Pass out at inopportune moments
• Drool heavily
• Vomit in your bed
• Show no signs of remembering the previous night
• Demand your attention and then forget why
• Be easily distracted
• Grab your cellphone out of your hand
• Urinate on himself
and, of course
• Sit on your lap, look deeply into your eyes, and then fart

Ester Bloom