Ba/ance....
Two Kids...How do I give love, attention, affection, guidance and have time for myself.
At times I feel so much guilt. Am I giving Cohen enough attention, Is he going to feel neglected, Did I do everything with Leo that I did with Cohen, Do they feel loved. Am I as patient, am I kind. When they grow up are they going to feel like I favored one more than the other.
For Cohen, I always want him to feel like I am not always nagging or yelling at him for leaving his toys on the ground for me to step on.
With Leo nugget I have done things differently in terms of sleep training and reading enough books, or spending enough time snuggling. He spent about a month beside the bed in a playpen and then I started him in his crib. Cohen slept in the bed until 4 months and then in the playpen close to 7 months. I can lay Leo in his bed and he will self sooth usually for naps. Nights he likes a snuggle. So therefore I feel guilty about that. It's a struggle to get two kids to bed around the same time just so you can have a few hours to breathe.
These are all things I think about daily...to the point where I wonder if I am a good Mom. Am I doing the best I can...could I get off my phone more often and go for more walks. I have the same routine most days or else I would go bat shit crazy. There is no way you cant follow a routine with two kids let alone one. It's your life, you live, eat, breath, shit this routine.
At times I feel like I could change it up just so I get more time in with the kids...more hugs, less T.V., more coloring, more baking, less laundry.
I then think...how do full-time working mom's handle this? It's crazy to me. I love staying home with my kids and luckily I have a baby daddy who supports that and he wants that life for his kids that he didn't have.
I do admire mom's who work. What a great feeling to provide for your family in so many ways. It must be exhausting. I think my everyday life is but It wouldn't compare.
We are all doing everything we can under the cards we are dealt.
I am so hard on myself along with a lot of mom's I'm sure.
I want a relationship with my kids that I never had. I want that friendship but still know when to be a parent. I can be strict...but pick my kids up when they have done something stupid. I don't want to be a bully. I want my kids to feel comfortable enough to come to me about anything. We raise and shape them into respectable human beings. We teach them guidance, respect, workmanship. All these things, so they can grow up to be wise and take care of themselves.
I want to be everything for my kids and I want my kids to see that I am pushing to make them amazing little people. I just hope the standard that I set for myself, I can achieve.
You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow, they will be a little older then they were today. This day is a gift, breathe and notice, smell and touch them; study their face and little feet and pay attention.
RELISH THE CHARMS of THE PRESENT.
Enjoy today Momma, it will be over before you know it!
-Jen Hatmaker
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