Wednesday, June 12, 2013

What is Family?

Just the thought of this brings tears to my eyes...When I think of family, I think of my kids, my partner, family that connects with me and makes efforts.

I have had my struggles with relationships.

I have been disconnected with my Mom.

I haven't called my Grandma.

I haven't sent Christmas cards.

Ever since the birth of my children I have come to realize what is important in life. Who is there for me, who is supportive, who sticks around.

It started long before I had kids that I noticed there has been a lack of connection between myself and my family. I understand as we get older things change and people grow apart. Not just family..what about friends?

I then think...Baby daddy and I get older and we don't grow apart...we grow closer. 

I thought maybe once my little nugget's came into this world that it might ignite something in my family to want to be involved in my life more.

We can blame it on distance.
We can blame it on being busy.
We can blame it on illness.


I have one Grandparent left. One I had never met because she passed away before I was even thought of. The other two had passed when I was grown up. One funeral I attended...and it was the hardest thing I have ever been too. I have some regret's. One being one of the worst regret's.

Not visiting my Grandpa in the hospital.

I was 10 or so and I was deathly afraid of seeing people deteriorate and die. 

I didn't want to come to terms. 

I now have one Grandma left...she is the most caring, thoughtful, loving, selfless person I have ever met. She is the sweet old lady that you love just by meeting her one time. I hope one day I can exist with those qualities. Every time I call her on the phone, she tells me how proud she is of me. She congratulates me on the family I have and how much she loves all of us. 

She has 5 children. My mom is one of those children. I know sometimes in family things can become toxic and people fight. When I hear the bull shit that comes up I think....What about your mother. She raised and taught you to be loving people. Fighting and disagreements should all be set aside. Life is just too short.

I want a relationship between my kids that is full of love, hope and dreams. I don't want to fight about things that don't matter. Because one thing that does matter is family.

Some family members haven't met my kids....My precious nuggets. How could you not want to meet them? A phone call, a card. Reaching out is so important. I think people leave it up to the other person to make an effort. It's a two way street...

One day my nugget's might ask...Who is in those pictures? Why haven't I met them? I will have to explain death and why some people don't exist in their lives.

I have held a lot of grudges. One grudge held against one person who is supposed to be important in my life and my kids. Before Leo was born I had an epiphany. I needed to let go all anger and grudges towards people in my life. What was the point? It made me angry and was consuming my life to the point where I was angry all the time. Everything builds up and you come to the conclusion that, "Is this important?" Wouldn't it be easier to let it go just so you can breath.

I realize and take responsibility for not making enough effort.

I don't want my kids to grow up fighting with their siblings. I want them to love and know that without family, life doesn't exist. I want my kids to see love between myself and my mom. I don't want them to feel like there is tension between us. For myself, making that effort to let go of the past lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. 

Even for baby daddy...he has bandaged some wounds and has made efforts to improve relationships that were broken. For our relationship it has made a huge improvement. 

Once you have lost you don't know the true meaning of life.

Me making an effort to better my life and my kids..I can live feeling like I have tried. 

In This House
We do Second CHANCES
We do LOVE


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