Kate get real...You are not a zero anymore!

Calgary now has a Target..I'm sorry 2 Targets.

 I've been there 3 times this week alone. I thought I would treat myself to some 6$ v-neck t-shirts.

 There is no point in dressing nicely. By the end of the day I'm covered in avocado and baby vomit anyway. 

I walk in. Walk past the women's section. Pretend like I want to buy something. Pick something off the rack, make a u-turn and hang it back because.. 'lord I'm way to cheap to spend twenty dollars on myself.

I then walk past a table with colored skinny jeans. I know that skinny colored jeans are the new hip thing right now.  Right?... I'm not confident I know what the fuck Hip means anymore.

They are a bright yellow/green. NO, not the color of puke. The color of happiness and summer. (Me wearing a happy color may lead people to believe I'm a ball of happiness).

So I am looking through the sizes and their is a 0, 3, 6 and 11. This table was pretty picked over. I grab the 3 thinking, I have 15 year old hips and I can squeeze my saggy ass into them.

Me being the dumb ass I am, I don't bother trying them on.

Maybe because taking two kids in a dressing room might be a disaster.

Two, this might give me the opportunity to come back to target...again.

Three, I really want to believe I have a banging body.

Anyways, I go home and at first I am hesitant to try these on because I don't want to come to terms that I'm not a size 3. (It really is confusing to me the whole 0 or 25. Like, let's stick with 0 to 15 or something.)

So, I'm jumping and squeezing and....Oh they slid past my drumstick legs and over my thighs. OK they are up around my hips, I probably have a camel toe.... But who doesn't love a little camel toe.

Then, the zipper and button. They are going no where. We are talking 'they are stretched so far the opposite way of actually buttoning up its embarrassing.

Well, that's great for my self confidence.

A few days later a Mommy and I head back to target and I have plans to return and exchange for a bigger size :(. They have none in what I think might be my size.

I do my rounds trying to find something else. I grab another cotton v-neck t shirt and stumble across some black shorts, Shorts that are probably too short. I grab a 5. These must fit, its two sizes larger than the pants. I obviously don't try these on either.

Get home, try those suckers on and.... great my fucking muffin top and pooch is sagging over the top.

Whatever, It's fine. I can live with not being a 3 of 5 for the rest of my life.