Attachment Mommy

It has taken me a few days to adjust and get back into my normal routine since being away for a whole week on vacation.

I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation.

The setting was beautiful...but the kids. They did...not....sleep....

I thought that mountain air would help them rest their little heads on the pillow.

Well...I was wrong. Leo nugget was up 3 times in a night and they thought wake up call was at 5:30, 6 or 6:30.

I thought vacation meant sleeping in?

Not when you have kids.

My love (baby daddy) was up until Tuesday and then left for his annual Dad/Brother Fishing trip to Kelowna.

I didn't want him to leave. Mainly because he helps out with the kiddo's and I would miss him dearly. But, he left me with his family (8) in a cabin in Canmore.

Love em dearly....

But...

Man they get on one another's nerves. Me, I can step away from the situation and take a breather. They tend to smother each other and then are clawing at each other like cats and dogs.

My favorite part of the trip was..... I got to spend lots of 1-on-1 time with my boy Cohen. We had ice cream dates...Went swimming and took long walks to the park.

Swimming was awesome. He never was afraid of the water ever. It was actually scary because he used to jump in the water without knowing how to swim. Then about a year ago. He was in a hot tub. He was standing on the step and stepped off and was touching the very bottom of it. His head was completely submerged. I couldn't see him from a distance; he was with his cousin. I started screaming "Dylan, Cohen is under water" He was off in his own world and couldn't hear me. I ran over and pulled him out. He was scared for his life...literally. Poor kid ingested gallons of chlorine piss hot tub water. Since then...getting in the water hasn't been easy.

A life jacket and noodle are his life sources.

I could tell he was becoming a little more confident in his doggy paddle abilities. With my Tyrannosaurus Rex voice, I convinced him to float around in the whirl pool. Then I convinced him to let go of the noodle. The kid can swim with a life jacket...he was so proud of himself. I was filled with joy...He was so confident..Finally!

We floated around and he was consistent in telling me "I'm fine Mommy, Let go" those words just pull at my heart strings. It's a weird feeling. Feeling like he doesn't need me anymore.

At one point he did drink some of the water and coughed so hard he puked in his mouth.. But it didn't stay in his mouth and went all in the pool. I turned around to see if anyone saw him. There was a man staring at me.

"I think his life jacket is too tight and it's making him choke."

Well I asked Cohen and he said "No mommy, I just swallowed all this water and T-Rex said to spit it out"

And...

On we float. Pretending like there wasn't chunks of his lunch floating around.

Disgusting I know.

That night, was a night that he actually slept straight through. He was also sharing a room with Leo and I...so every-time Leo whimpered like a puppy it would wake him up.

It was interesting how just by spending that extra uninterrupted time with Cohen made us re-connect.

It's the hardest part of parent hood. Giving your little ones undivided attention and making sure they are nurtured.

For once when Grandma was around...he wasn't stuck to her like sticky glue. I did tell her in advance that I needed that time with Cohen and she respected my boundaries..Surprised? Yes I was.

He actually liked me...When you feel like your child doesn't like you..You will go crazy. It Sucks!

Since I needed to spend that time with Cohen, I needed some milk for Leo since I wasn't around to pop my boob in his mouth.

I sat in the bathroom and milked those puppies.

20 minutes.

Not even an ounce. I squeezed it from every angle, thought of Leo. All those tricks to try and express as much milk.

I was freaking out.
I have no milk.
Am I drying up?
What am I going to do?
I want to cry.

I have surpassed the 6 month mark of nursing which I never thought I would nursing off of one boob. He is 7 1/2 months.

I told myself I would try to make it to 6 months. Not realizing it, but I passed that.

It still isn't good enough.

What was I going to do? Buy Formula....I know I said I support Formula but I don't want to give that to Leo.

I love breastfeeding. It's seriously my favorite. How weird right...liking it when your kid sucks on your boob. It's all in the connection. He stares at me with his bright eye's with love seeping through.

Standing in Shoppers...Staring at all the different powdered formula. Forty five dollars for a can? Are you fucking kidding me? My tit's are free? I know formula stinks too. I wanted to throw all the cans on the floor. I was so angry. So upset.

Why? This is so unfair. Why did I get stuck with one functioning boob. I feel like I am letting him down.

Up at the till...I insert my debit card...42.10 was my total. I can't believe I'm paying for this shit.

Another reason why I purchased it was because I don't have that much frozen milk left. I have an event in two weeks. I will be away from him for 24 hours. He is going to need some other supplement other than blueberries.

While I was at the pool, I had told them only give it to him if he is starving. I nursed him before I left and it was dinner time so he ate some tortellini, yogurt and apple sauce.

I got home and asked if he had taken the bottle. They said we gave him the bottle and he took a few sips and looked at them like "What the fuck are you giving me?" He made a disgusted face and spat it out.

Great...

Not only do I not want him to have it...he doesn't like it. What am I going to do now?

I have yet to try again..but I have two weeks to figure this out.

Between exhaustion...my boobs not working and my man gone...I'm a few steps away from a cliff.

I went deep into a couple bottles of wine on Saturday night for Wino's. 5 glasses to be exact. Didn't really hit me until midnight and everyone in front of me was blurry. I wasn't sure if it was because I was so tired or it was the boo's. My face was numb as well..that is usually a giveaway.

Fuck...now I'm going to be hungover with no hubby to take care of me or the kids. Great.

Went upstairs and pumped what I could. Usually Leo doesn't eat in the night I just have to pop his soother in. 6 AM I was up pumping. 6:30 both kids were up. I felt nauseous and had a booming headache.

This is going to be a longgggg day.

Luckily they were angels aside from Leo's tooth that keeps popping in and out. I actually gave him Tylenol and he passed the eff out. Teething tablets are great but he still seemed uncomfortable.

Now the sleep regression is sort of subsided...I did the Ferber method and he did pretty well with it. Now we are in the early stages of teeth. How long until he is 2?

You forget about all the things that come with babies!

Poop, vomit, teeth, crawling, sleep regression, night-time feedings...the list goes on.

It's OK...I will cherish these moments because I know how time flies by. Soon Cohen will be in middle school chasing all the girls and Leo will be the nerdy scientist.

I can't wait.

Here is some pics from my Vacay...just to make you all a little jealous...