Sunday, March 30, 2014

I'm going to open a booth at the Baby and Tot show called "Xanax4Moms"and "Baby Leashes"

I'm going to try and watch my "f's" and "b's" because I noticed I offended some people with my recent posts which led them to unlike my page... LOL.

It's a form of me expressing myself. I can't help it. 

My friend looked over at me today and apologized before we even got to the Baby & Tot show. Maybe the train breaking down was a sign "DO not enter BMO Center today".

After an hour travel time...We walked in. Me, with two children. One screaming... and the other cutting people off and running all over hell's half acres. 

One minute in and I already hate this place. Walk in they hand you a baggy with tons of junk mail and a organic food pouch of baby food. Sweet free shit, I like it.

Around the corner...a table stacked with Playdoh. A few feet away...tables upon tables of merchandise and the pushy people to go along with it. 

Then I realize this is probably the most busiest place in Calgary today. Because something was in the water last year. A lot of babies, pregnant women and obnoxious toddlers/preschoolers.

I have never seen so many brands of strollers in my life. Walk paths between booths should have been double the size because to get through you basically would have to raid with stinky farts just so people would move. 

Basically its a place where they can advertise their shit in hopes that naive moms would spend their money on things that they don't really need. Cool a stroller that folds itself. Cool a triple breast pump. Cool a bubble blower (that I bought might I add) and etc.

All I really wondered was what type of food they were supplying. have to pay for food. $9 for a salad. $13 for chicken breast and noodles that my kids dropped all over the floor. 

To the left we have a very annoying (might I add) My Little Pony stage with three teenagers humping around the stage in over sized girly Pony suits. To the right we have a bouncy castle with snotty sweaty kids. 

With a 4 year old as pushy as mine...we got stuck in that line. Luckily the girl only let them in for 5 minutes at a time so we didn't have to watch the horror show go down. I'm sorry but kids are damn aggressive these days (this is for the little boy with zombie face paint on). Leo my not so cute angel had ten fits just while standing there for 5 minutes. Of course he wanted to go in the castle. Of course he was too young. Of course he slapped me in the face and growled at me. 

I know that 95% of the parents that saw me whispering death threats in his ears heard what I said... At least I smiled at them after. 

"Cohen lets go"

"Come and get me" he says.
"I'm alright. See ya later"

The water works came and the bouncy castle lady looked at me horrified. Like; you are a bitch. He is so cute how could you do that. Yeah cute to you, not to me. Pretty much the only time I would agree with people when they say "They are so cute OMG" is when they're sleeping. 

So after that disaster we moved onto the second. "Baby Petting Zoo". If your kids didn't smell like shit before they sure do now. I mean the pigs were cute and so were the goats but I started to smell like shit which I wasn't down for. Leo thought it was funny. He tackled a few sheep and ran around like a nut job. Cohen, he thought they were cute and tried to rescue a baby goat from a boy that was squeezing its neck so tight his eyes were popping out like those toys that are a dollar. "My babaaay got" he said. I replied "you mean goat". "My babaaay got". Ok I'll walk away before your parents hear me. 

I basically had to karate chop Leo at the waist to sit his ass down in the stroller. Better yet I wish I had one of those leashes people put on their kids. Up until having Leo I thought they were terrible but I am searching on kijiji for some right now. I will pay full price. 

So 3 hours, 5 hissy fits, a bubble gun and no Xanax, we were gone. Those bags you handed out at the door, should have been stocked with drugs. Possibly my next business venture.

After I put myself through that off to Chapters I went. Another place I loathe. It wasn't to bad this time except again a baby leash would have come in handy. A store clerk followed me around, she thought I was stealing.  She asked if I needed a hand with anything and asked if Cohen was mine. She said "sometimes we see kids wandering around and freak out because they are so easy to loose". I said "Oh damn, you guys are keeping track of our kids now, I though this was a easy way to loose them on purpose" (haha kind of kidding) "I've lost him here before so I think he is traumatized for life". She did giggle. 

Probably the best part of today was as we were leaving Cohen was walking behind me and said "Mom you're huge" and giggled. I turn around and he is holding a magnifying glass pressed up to his face. I was killing myself laughing but thinking dang he is lucky that he didn't mean that in general. 

I know what you are all thinking. Why didn't you just stay home and put a movie on for these children instead of putting them through this? (which is totally my fault I know that). 

Now I wished I was thinking with the logical part of my brain and not the fried, save me from my children side of the brain. Oh...and don't attempt to go to the baby show unless you are a tiny little pregnant lady that hasn't had kids yet. 


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