Monday, April 7, 2014

I found a new mom....a blogging mom. She lives in the same city. She is freaking hilarious.

I had a friend tell me that she has a mom friend that blogs and I nearly lost my shit. I almost didn't think that mommy bloggers existed in Alberta let alone Calgary. I'm almost to the point where I am to selfish to share this new mommy. I kind of don't want you all to think that she is funnier than me either. Which she totally is. 

We set up a date. It was almost nerve racking for me. I felt like I was going on a date for the first time and couldn't control my butterflies. I couldn't believe that I was going to share a common interest with another mom, in person. I literally threatened my kids with their lives so that they would behave and so I could kind of have and hear our conversation.

So her name is Laura (Larry) is who she posts as on her blog called Wow-Mom. She lives here in Calgary with her hubby and son. She is from Newfoundland. She has the sweetest accent and she likes to say fuck all the time. So basically we are a perfect match. 

She had me at "Milk bag bodies & empty scrotum titties unite!". I can't tell you how many times I have talked about my tits on my blog. She is a brilliant writer and she captures your attention just within the first paragraph.  "My Mister and I crawled into bed last night, exhausted. As we cuddled up to one another he looked into my eyes pleadingly and I knew instantly what he wanted. I leaned over, opened the drawer to our bedside table and rummaged around for the familiar little package. “Put it on me”, he said. I was never really good at it, but my Mister is a patient man. I peeled off the packet and unceremoniously placed the Breathe Right strip atop my Mister’s nose. He took a deep breath, thanked me for my efforts, rolled over and went to sleep."

If that isn't an opening paragraph I don't know what is. She had me at "Put it on me". After I read this I literally rolled onto the floor and bust a gut wide open. Like that was brilliant I thought to myself. At first I thought oh this is a little raunchy and I kind of like it. She is right about how our lives drastically change when we bring those life sucking things into the world. Bluntly and well put she exchanges her thoughts about how our "sexy time changes".

"Life. It has certainly changed since our Little T came into the world. Before the baby, we could hardly keep our hands off of each other. It wasn’t so long ago I was reaching into our bedside for condoms not sleep aids. I guess sometimes our efforts fall a little short. But what our sex life lacks isn’t desire, its energy. Some nights we’re both in bed by 8:30, with dirty teeth and Breathe Right-free noses (gasp!). We just don’t have the kilojoules required to knock boots as often as we once did. But I’m not willing to let ourselves fall into a rut. Fuck that. I’m not going down without a fight! I may fall asleep during that fight, but when I wake up, look out!"

Not only do they take a toll on our sex lives (I should speak for myself ) "my kids" turned my tits into empty water balloons and a permanent ponch that hangs over when I bend over...or at least for me when I am sitting up straight. 

"However, it’s not just about finding the energy, is it? Any other post baby moms out there have a body like a bag of milk? Has your cute pregnancy belly turned into a fleshy fanny pack? Do you have a hard time telling the difference between your stretch marked stomach and a watermelon? A friend of mine told me that since her 8 month old son has stopped nursing her breasts look and feel just like an empty scrotum sac. I told her I didn’t know what an empty scrotum sac felt like and so she grabbed a handful of boob skin, shook it and said “just like this”. Some aspects of motherhood make it hard to feel good about yourself, especially when your titties resemble two fried eggs hanging on a nail. It’s easy to beat up on yourself when the body you once knew and loved has been destroyed. Hell, even my four month old son laughs at me when he sees me naked, so you can see why I am sometimes reluctant to strip down in front of my man. But I keep replaying my french teacher’s advice in my head, “if you don’t use it, you lose it!”. She was referring to speaking another language, not doin’ it, but either way the message still applies. So I stuff my self loathing into my fleshy fanny pack, dim the lights, and try my best. At the end of the day, that’s all anyone can do.

Two fried eggs hanging on a nail. That's a new one and I will very shortly be using that in my vocabulary as often as I use "aggressive". Click on the link below, scroll down and get to the part when she talks about pushing a human being out of our vagina's

You can look forward to a possible mommy blog swap or joint blog post between Attachment Mommy and Wow Mom!!!! Her name totally makes her sound like a superhero which is absolutely suiting. 


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