I'm Cheating on Dr. Ferber

Doesn't he look peaceful? Yeah this is after rocking and nursing for an afternoon nap. I recently took up The "Ferber" Method known as (cry-it-out). 

Leo nugget is getting to the age (7M) where he will cry to get attention or expects to be picked up. I hate this habit. I hate that he knows exactly how to cry to get my attention and make me feel guilty as hell. Usually at nap time I will lay him down semi-sleepy and he doesn't have a problem falling asleep on his own. In the past two evening's it been 40 minutes of hyperventilation and blood curdling screaming. That is not my child I swear. He has never been a crier. Only when he hurts himself. So this is new for me. 

Last night I did 5 minute increments. I went in, gave him back his choochie, rubbed his back and said "shhhh" go to sleep it's ok. You want them to know you haven't deserted them. 

Evan looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes & gave me that look like "your mean". 

My monitor doesn't have video or any of that fancy stuff but if you turn the volume all the way down their is a light and it light's up when there is any noise or movement. 

I sat, stared and tapped my feet...for about an hour. Watching the monitor light up knowing that he is probably in a full fledged outrage.

I stuck with it for a while and then I just couldn't take it and I felt bad for the dude, his throat was probably getting dry from bawling for that long. 

I picked him up. 

Sat in the rocking chair. 

Told him how sorry I was. 

He stared at me with his big brown eyes. 

A look of "Mommy, why did you do that to me"

A look of "You didn't leave me here alone"

I couldn't help but kiss the shit out of him and hold him so tightly. 

See with Cohen, I didn't put him in his crib to self soothe until he was 13 months. I didn't want people to call CPS on me, cause that kid has lungs. 

Now Cohen has been able to put himself to sleep no problem since then. It's the area that he is least difficult in. 

I'm questioning myself and questioning this ass-hole Dr. Ferber.

He has also developed a habit of a soother. It doesn't bother me but he seems to loose it and not be able to pop it back in his mouth. 

I've talked to a friend and am seriously considering leaving it alone. The only problem is he has always been a good sleeper. Now he wakes up more that twice a night. I don't know if its a growth spurt or something developmental.. Shit even teething. It's got to be something. 

These are the moments when I actually do wish they could speak. The rest of the time I would be fine with a muzzle. 

Kids are like puzzle pieces ..sometimes it takes so fucking long to figure out how to put it together.

So I leave you with this. How do I put my tough pants on and deal with it? Should I wait until he is older? I hate advice, but I am open to recommendations.