Sunday, July 28, 2013

"Why do you love Leo so much, all the time?"

The words I never thought I would hear coming from my first born child's mouth.

Cohen completely caught me off guard the other day and had me scrambling to say the right words. 

Leo was laying on the ground and I walked over to him and said "BOO"!

Leo is kind of a sissy. He cries easily over things. 

Long story short, he breaks into tears and I was quick to pick him up and apologize. Without knowing Cohen was watching, now looking back I can see his face watching me console Leo, hugging, kissing and telling him it's OK. 

I can see Cohen watching that and thinking; Wow Mommy really takes care of Leo and "babies" him. 

About one minute later Cohen ask's me...

"Why do you love Leo so much, all the time?"

Took me a moment to process and not completely break down into tears. In his voice I heard "rejection". I felt like he might have well said "Why do you love Leo more".

Generally I will catch myself or make sure I make the effort to give Cohen the same affection. He doesn't usually take it. Cohen has turned into the tough guy and if he know's people are around and I try to hug him, he is embarrassed.  I thought that didn't happen until they we're teenagers.

Back to the story. 

My Reply....

"Well, you know how Leo is the baby right? He needs more help doing things so he can become strong like you. Like a big boy. When you were a baby, I carried you around and had to feed you and change your diapers. You are just a big boy now. You know how you love daddy and I (He loves daddy more - he is his best friend) It's kind of like the same thing. I love you and Leo that same way." 

I squeezed him a little harder that day and gave him a reassurance

At 24 years old, I feel that way. Why was I the middle child that didn't get as much attention? or Why are my siblings spoiled and get away with way more than I did? I had a completely different adolescence. 

Can you have Favorites

I don't feel like I favor more than the other. I think my role is more with Leo because he needs me a lot more than Cohen. Evan has taken on the role as being Cohen's go-to parent. Which is great, considering I was Cohen's main caregiver for the first year of his life.

I know that having Cohen has made it a lot easier for me to love Leo. You have experienced the "awe" of having your first child. For myself it took me a while to realize that Cohen was actually my child. How did I get so lucky to have a little person come into my life like that. He has changed me as a person. 

A little less selfish. 
A little more responsible. 

Also at this age (3 1/2) It's a hard age. They are constantly testing your patience, picking up attitude and lip. I would almost say, having kids a little closer together might have been a better choice. Just so it doesn't appear to the (3 yr old) that you are always giving them shit and the new little 7 month old can do no wrong!

I know half of the time I'm not doing things right. Being a little to harsh or telling him NO to often. It's hard not to cuddle a little baby since the older one basically throws you across the room at the thought of affection. 

If only Cohen would have seen me with him as a baby. I read to him more, cuddled him more, wouldn't let people hold him as much. I took more pictures, more videos.  Almost more protective. Leo actually get's way less of everything that I did with Cohen. I had more time. Made a bigger effort with Cohen. 

It's a tough job, making sure your kids know that you love them equally even if at time's it doesn't seem that way.

I'm holding him a little more tightly, telling him I love him a little more. Playing Power Rangers a lot more. Not saying No as much. 


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