Thursday, January 30, 2014

These aren't tips. Just unfortunate reminders.

As I stood in my kitchen in a pile of water I really began to think about how many times this has happened to me. 

Generally it is a pile of piss so today was a good day, but in reality this happens all the time. 

Then I got to thinking about how often shitty things happen to me on daily basis with the assistance of my children.

This will than bring me to #1.

First and foremost I obviously don't expect my kids to be smart enough to know that leaving a cup on the floor might tip over or leak. That would be just to hard for them to grasp. In a day I find at least three or four pools of water randomly dispersed over the floor. Sometimes on the laminate, sometimes on the carpet. The tricky thing with carpet is that its hard to see. So you go put on a pair of socks, you are walking around and SHIT! You step in something wet. Sometimes warm depending on if it is fresh pee or fecal matter. This has happened to me. On numerous occasions. SO my biggest advice to parents would be...Buy lots of socks or be smarter than me and put a diaper on your child.

It's so easy to blame things on kids...until they are 4 and they rat you out to daddy. Numero 2.

"Daddy, Mommy shattered the glass on the back of her iPhone. It wasn't working so she smacked it on the computer desk"

OK, OK I wouldn't say that I went to the extent of smacking it on the computer desk. With applied force I hit it and like most stupid iPhone's it shattered. The middle finger behind my back couldn't be pointed any harder in the direction of Cohen then it was.

At this age they tend to become a little smarter than you. Which means, you can't do shit wrong unless you would like to be told how to do it or what you are doing wrong. Biggest critics I tell ya. Keep your guards up rents, this is the most challenging part of becoming a parent, Outsmarting them. 

#3. This one is one of my least favorites...

Who ever thought that kids would enjoy watching their parents use the loo? I don't get it. I don't like watching people go to the bathroom or wiping their ass. Maybe its just my kids but they actually check the toilet bowl after I use it. Leo on the other hand uses it as a sink to wash his hands with. How disgusting right? First it was Cohen and the Man Cave(post if you have not read that one). Now Leo uses it for his hands. Next thing he will be doing is drinking from the bowl due to dehydration. 

There is actually a sensor on the door which lets them know that "Mommy is using the toilet". No, I don't want company or a audience. This is uncomfortable and I have stage fright. So there you have it. You will NEVER pee or poo alone. 

This could have been a no brainer after what just landed #3 on my list. Locks are great. But not all doors come with locks. Sometimes you have to buy them when you have kids because they can make messes in rooms that are off-kid-limits. The purpose of these are to actually lock my kids in their rooms. Leo can't reach the door handle yet so we are good on that one. 

This week I was tested to the highest limits of anger. My 4 year old was not havin' me and I was not feelin' him. Lets just say the door knob locks came in handy for two days when I could not keep him in his room so we didn't physically brawl. Remember #2? Outsmarting your kids? Well I should have taken my own advice. Because the smart (ass) actually got the handle off! Someone please tell me this is common? I'm screwed. So there is number 4. You will have a love/hate relationship with door knob locks. Knob covers are on sale at Walmart for 5.99 people. 

#5 Babies, they are just so sweet aren't they. So quiet and serene....(depends on the child) Sometimes the use of motion or car rides is a must. We will drive blocks and blocks to put our children to sleep just so we don't have to listen to them cry. Once that stage is over you then move onto the endless noise when you are in the car with them. Not crying of course, just annoying requests or the high pitched screech when your toddler needs his soother. Luckily I take transit and walk because I would have crashed a car by now. Which then leads me to #6.

Snacks. They are a must. You must carry an unlimited supply of snacks in your diaper bag. You will need them. For your sanity and the sanity of other shoppers. Shopping trips are always interesting. The only thing to keep them quiet or from getting out of their stroller or screaming to get out the cart is, Food. Seriously it works, every-time. This isn't a tip this is your parental weapon. Use it. Or the screaming at the house will follow you to the store. 

You are probably all interested to know why my sweet little Leo is crying in the picture? Poor Leo right? If only. #7 on my list is...Today as I sat quietly on the couch reading (something that usually only takes place when they are in bed) the little guy decides that he should sink his teeth..into my...arm. 

Now I have experienced nipple biting, but soon got used to it. My arm's...well let's say its tighter skin. Well I'll be damned, something I have experienced only one other time in my life was when Cohen sunk his teeth into my arm. What do you think my reaction was? "AHHHHHHHHHH omg Owwwww" or What you give is what you get? I chose to bite back with Cohen and I definitely bit Leo today. Do you still feel bad for the guy? I don't know if he would have stood a chance up against my chompers but sorry buddy, Karma just bit you back, In the arm. CPS is not required, I read a few articles online that have said this works very well. We will see if his little beaver chompers come out to play anytime soon. 

I do know what will come out to play soon. My Tupperware. Pots and Pans. Baking drawers. Yes. All these things are played with daily. Leo loves opening and closing cabinets, banging pots and pans and pouring flour all over my floor. It drives me mental. I am super OCD about my kitchen. I cook there, so leave it alone. Nope, your cupboards will never look the same. Ever. Again. Even when they're teenagers, pantries will be raided, messes will be made. You will never have your kitchen back until the door hits them on the way out. Oh god! This gives me major anxiety. Somethings you have to come to terms with, battles you will not win. Those are two things that are guaranteed to happen when you are a parent. 

After all these things I have listed have taken place, your going to have a spot. "My special place" I like to call it, where I sit in peace and hide from my kids. My closet. It's like my women den. I often go for a breather, where I can curse my ass off and count to ten. There have been a lot of tears and a lot of screaming into piles of clothes, but it has saved my kids from the wrath of me during tough times. Yes, # 9 is you will need to find a quiet place. 

For my final adjustment since becoming a parent... One thing I can honestly guarantee will happen time and time again is that they will always love you, no matter what. Yeah the cute little buggers may drive us nasty errrr' day but they have one quality that is looked for. Loyalty! I know you were hoping for something not as positive, but since I am talking shit I should give them a credit. Dear god I make mistakes everyday but I don't have someone condemning me to my room...Well that's a lie take #1 for instance.

Here is a list of some others that I didn't dare get into;

Disturbed Sleeping.
Loads and loads and loads of Laundry.
Un-showered for days.
Dinner time will never be the same.
Preparing dinner will never be the same.
Teething is the worst thing in the world.
You will never know what happened to all those soothers.
Messy house. 
Bath-time is the best part of your day. 
You might need ear plugs.
You will have impeccable balance.
Shit, pissed, puked and sat on.
You will never be able to have a normal conversation without interruption. Ever!!! Again!!!


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