Friday, March 14, 2014

I forgot how to be a Parent

As I stood in line at the gate in Maui airport I couldn't help but have horrible flash backs of what I was about to come home to. 

We met a couple while in Maui who had brought both their daughters for a 12 day stay. They knew we left our kids behind and wanted to punch us in the face because they felt they needed a holiday from the holiday they just had. 

The mom said to me "How are you doing being away from them?" knowing me I'm kind of honest about this whole parenthood thing and said "I actually have had no problems, its been nice and I have my whole life to miss them and at the ages they are at its hard to miss them". 

She practically sang Hallelujah and agreed with me. Good for those people who actually miss their kids she said. 

How much trouble would I be in if I didn't board that flight Ev? Well our families would be very disappointed. 

So it being my first holiday alone without both kids I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't think that I would take not changing shitty diapers and cleaning high chairs and picking up after these monsters for granted. 

I actually forgot I was a parent. We would talk to locals and Evan would bring up that we have two kids and I actually had a look of confusion on my face. Oh yeah...those monsters. And then there were looks of (you should feel really guilty right now) but I couldn't give a flying efff what people thought. 

The copious amounts of boos I drank and the silence I woke up to was the most glorious week of my life. Oh and not to mention spending quality time with my love without interruptions and actually being able to hold conversations with people without crying and screaming in the back ground. Also waking up to paradise every morning. I would actually take the birds waking me up at 5 am everyday over the demands of "I want cereal, I want toast, I want porridge". 

So I ask how do you adjust from paradise to reality?

You don't.

I wake up every morning confused as to why I am laying in bed where its +2 outside and the horrific sound of being needed everyday. 

I'm acting like a selfish bitch, I know. Evan is wondering how long this state of depression is going to go on for....It's his fault for taking me to such a beautiful place and bringing me back to southern Alberta..

I'm back on the crack (coffee). It sure as hell doesn't taste as good here as it did there. Fresh pea-berry Kona coffee vs. Tassimo espresso with a side of a billion interruptions until its too cold to drink.

I didn't have to cook a single meal while I was gone, It was glorious. Kids are currently living off grilled cheese and Annies pasta until I can get my shit together.

I haven't worked out in two weeks. I don't really care though. Like having my whole life to miss my kids, I have my whole life to work out. (Oh my god...My whole life?) Lets just hope for the sanity of my family I start doing that again or they might resort to actual crack. 

I thought that I would get the biggest warm welcome when I walked through the door. Instead I got a Hello! and wheres my shark tooth you promised me? Here we go, not even home for 5 minutes and I wanna strangle them. 

Leo being the whiny kid that he is, is definitely making me pay for it. I have been home for roughly 72 hours and 65 out of 72 hours he has cried and whined. I actually wish I got sucked in by a 20 foot wave and was incapable of boarding that plane home.

After being away from kids for a week I forgot I wasn't allowed to swear and speak my mind out loud. They've heard a lot of "fuck" and a lot of "shut-up".

You can find me in hiding, under my covers watching a slideshow of the 1000 pictures I took while in Maui. 

Don't worry I won't be going on vacation to any tropical place any time soon so you don't have to read another ungrateful post but I might take a trip to the psych ward, In which case you might find humorous. 


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