I'm about to give you an update on what has been going on in my life for the past couple weeks....
Let's start with the nuggets.
1. Cohen has now decided that when it's time to go #2 he needs to be stripped of all clothing. Socks, underwear, his shirt; either its ripped off or he rolls it up and tucks it under his chin. And most recently his necklace. He explained to me that his necklace is like a worm and it will some how wiggle down his back and get poop on it. Life problems of a 3-year old.
2. Leo is now at that 6 1/2 month old stage where nothing is good enough and what used to entertain him for hours only works for 2 minutes. He see's big bro looking like a jack ass and wants to join in. He likes to stay busy and roll around and get stuck under furniture. He can also cry on demand, you know the fake, pushed cry where he looks to see if you are paying attention and if not he puts on the "I'm so devastated, take me out of this ex-cer-saucer" look.
3. Cohen is on a rampage of embarrassing me wherever we go and I'm getting quite sick of it. Usually it starts off with him telling me that I'm going to be punched in the face when we get home then I somehow have to look really tough in front of other mom's without physically hurting him. If I grab his arm he has a big meltdown and screams "Mommy stop punching me" but he means to say "pinching" (still working on that speech impediment).
4. They both are going through sleep regression and at this moment in time I wish I didn't have kids...*kidding. One goes to sleep, the other wakes, then the one that was sleeping, wakes up. How in the F*&^ did the mom from 18 Kids and Counting deal with that shit? Did she play Samuel Jackson's narration of Go the Fuck to Sleep?
Now we will move on to myself because I love talking about myself...
5. There has been times in my life where I have been told I look like Emily Blunt...now that is a huge fucking compliment If I ever heard one. I would totally disagree because she is so good looking and would probably be offended if she saw me and someone told her that we look alike. And then there has been times where people have compared me to Alanis Morissette. Now, I feel like a lot of people hold back from telling me this because some people think she is cute others think she looks like a hippie. When they tell me they scrunch there face up before blurting out that I look like her. It's like they are waiting for me to punch them in the face. I'm still deciding on what I think about it. What do you guys think?
Also, I might add that baby daddy has had quite a few people come up to him and tell him that he looks quite similar to Justin Bieber. Yes, Justin Bieber is cute and he is 18 so all you mom's out there that have a secret crush and wish that you could be that cougar you always wanted to be, stay away from my baby daddy.
6. I've decided that cleaning the house is my last priority. I much rather spend my time on Pinterest pinning things that I know I will never make or even attempt thinking about doing. Doesn't matter how much I clean, Cohen is the messiest being of life. Also I have also become addicted to Prison Break, It's mine and baby daddies new addiction. I recently watched 3 seasons of Scandal in 5 days.(I don't know who watched my kids for 5 days but they weren't bothering me)...Kerry Washington is my baby girl and I have never been so supportive of adultery. So that's another reason why I can't seem to get my ass off the couch to clean the house.
7. I have an addiction to food. I love chocolate. I love cheese. I love anything with high contents of fat and sugar. Throw the "Wanna Be Juicer" post out the window. I generally makes trips to the store to pick out some Prison Break marathon snacks. Now that will get me off my ass. A pint of Haagen Daz Pralines and Cream. This pooch of mine is hanging a little lower over my pant line than two months ago. I really don't fucking care though...*Que* bitchy post about my weight.
8. I love Instagram. I love creeping, I love posting. It's like a bragging app. "Look at how cute my kids are" "Look at my garden". Ya, I'm pathetic. Also a space where unlimited Selfies are not frowned upon.
This post should have been called "Confessions of a Mommy". I'm giving you people a lot of information to make judgments about me as a mother and wife.
I've been avoiding writing this post. In fact the title has been sitting in my draft's for about.... 4 weeks.
It's a scary thought that someone could possibly call CPS on me....(I'm a pretty decent mom I think).
You know how sometimes swear words slip and your kid will correct you and say "Mommy don't say shit" and then there are times when you are thinking in your head I could just lock this kid outside for a whole day. Yeah, I have those moments often.
They really like to push buttons you know, as we speak (sorry as I am venting on my mommy blog) the little power ranger is throwing those round fucking TY Beanie's at my head and I'm two seconds away from throwing it back at him but I know he will report that back to his best friend (daddy).
Alright...
Let me go turn on another episode of Power Rangers for Cohen nugget so I don't end up calling him another bad word.
When I was pregnant with Leo nugget, it was definitely a challenge to say the least. Keeping up with a 2 year old, working a part time job and trying to be some sort of parental figure to my 16 year old sister.
Someday's I look back and think, Wow I was one hormonal scary bitch. Technically they brought it on themselves by annoying the shit out of me.
I remember this day so vividly. It was a cold day. I was about 8 months pregnant having jolts of electricity shooting down my pelvis into my vag and Cohen was in the worst mood possible.
He wanted cereal, I gave him cereal. He changed his mind, he wanted porridge instead.
My pile of laundry to the ceiling was all folded neatly until the little disturber came and threw it all over the floor.
I thought maybe he needed some responsibility and something such as chores would keep him busy.
Underwear in the laundry basket because please lord if I have to pick up after your dad for the rest of my life I'm gonna need you to figure that one out.
Please pick up your dinky cars before I step, slip and fly right onto my double sized pregnant ass.
You would think I asked this kid to climb Mount Everest with me strapped to his back. Every excuse in the book he came up with. "I'm tired", "I'm watching a show" "Mom I can't. You do it!".
I then proceeded to drag his ass up the flight of stairs (At this point in my pregnancy I just threw him over my shoulder).
"Alright, your in a time-in Cohen, I'm going to shut the door and give you a few minutes and I will come back and talk to you"
Que Screams.....
"If you scream it's not going to help the situation and you will sit in here longer and you can forget about T.V."
He basically sounded like a calf that had been branded.
So over the top! So dramatic! I could have just stuck a sock in his mouth.
Alright, enter at your own risk. This kids a feisty one today.
"Cohen, do you know why I put you in your room?"
"Your mean (Wahhhhh)"
I read on the internet if you get down to their level and talk in a calm voice they will respond differently. Yes, I had a hat of tricks. None that I could stick to and use repetitively.
I barely got down to one knee and he kicks me in the shin and basically head butt's me with his overly sized melon.
"YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS-HOLE"
Crickets...
The look on his face was...that is a bad word. I cant believe you just called me that.
He then proceeded to call me an Ass-Hole back and I could go into detail the banter we had back and forth but I will spare you.
Definitely one of my brightest shining moments as a mother. I for sure cried about it to baby daddy when he got home and thought I was the worst mom possible.
Maybe when he is a teenager I can re-hash our lovely conversations and he will get a chuckle out of it.
I'm hoping some of my mommy friends can raise their hand and admit to calling their child an ass hole?
Anybody?
I can't be the only one?
I know Scary Mommy has a blog post similar but relating Three Year Old's are the same as Your Ass-Hole Boss.
