I was a Brave Mommy today.....

This is sort of a feel good post. (Despite the photo above) Kind of giving myself a pat on the back right now. A few things I did today were very Brave.

Today, was the first day I took both children to the swimming pool. Alone. 

Ya! Sounds scary as shit right. Cohen is over dramatic as you all know by now and is kind of priss. 

"Mom, my hair is wet"

"Mom, that kid splashed me. Tell him not to splash me"

"Mom my toes are like prunes"

After we got through the trauma, he was fine. What happened to parent's that used to throw there kids in the pool without lesson's and they figured the doggy paddle out on there own? I mean spending $100 on 8 swimming lesson's is a bit redic! Moving on.....

Another thing I was super Brave about was wearing a two piece suit to the pool. This wasn't because I had a choice...This was because my Tankini was worn out in area's by chlorine.  Area's consisted of; Nipples, butt cheeks and my Pikachu. Thank god I tried it on before I went to pool because there would have been a lot more than just pee in the pool.

So anyway's. I wear the two piece, super self-conscious of my body - I have been slamming back those pint's of ice cream to often and the flabby skin that hangs over my jeans has been filled up with fat. At least, Leo isn't mobile yet so I can hang him lengthwise so he cover's the tummy area.  I mean he did this to my body so him helping me out at the moment was the least he could do. 

(I swear I am not that mom that looks in the mirror and curses her kids because of how your body changes!)

Third thing I was Brave about; Sitting in a pool of piss with all the other little kids. As I watched Cohen slurp up some chlorinated piss infested water. Yuck!

There is a positive to this experience; Cohen clung to me and basically worshiped me the whole time because of how much fun he had. And told me how I was his Best-Friend. Yeah Daddy! Take that one.

He also was very social and made friends with some of the kids in the kitty pool. I am a people watcher and I am almost certain, some of those kids had no parental supervision - even though there are jumbo sized signs saying "Be within arms reach if your child is under the age of 7" in bold letters.

And then were some way-too-nice-looking-moms-with-blowouts-and-makeup-on. "Please don't splash me!!!" Even giving their kids shit for getting a few sprinkles of water on they're heads.

It was entertaining to say the least.

Now previewing this post, I look like a whiny mom who doesn't want to do anything nice for her kids.

Goodnight...

I'm about to give you an update on what has been going on in my life for the past couple weeks....









 Let's start with the nuggets.

1. Cohen has now decided that when it's time to go #2 he needs to be stripped of all clothing. Socks, underwear, his shirt; either its ripped off or he rolls it up and tucks it under his chin. And most recently his necklace. He explained to me that his necklace is like a worm and it will some how wiggle down his back and get poop on it. Life problems of a 3-year old.

2. Leo is now at that 6 1/2 month old stage where nothing is good enough and what used to entertain him for hours only works for 2 minutes. He see's big bro looking like a jack ass and wants to join in. He likes to stay busy and roll around and get stuck under furniture. He can also cry on demand, you know the fake, pushed cry where he looks to see if you are paying attention and if not he puts on the "I'm so devastated, take me out of this ex-cer-saucer" look.

3. Cohen is on a rampage of embarrassing me wherever we go and I'm getting quite sick of it. Usually it starts off with him telling me that I'm going to be punched in the face when we get home then I somehow have to look really tough in front of other mom's without physically hurting him. If I grab his arm he has a big meltdown and screams "Mommy stop punching me" but he means to say "pinching" (still working on that speech impediment).

4. They both are going through sleep regression and at this moment in time I wish I didn't have kids...*kidding. One goes to sleep, the other wakes, then the one that was sleeping, wakes up. How in the F*&^ did the mom from 18 Kids and Counting deal with that shit? Did she play Samuel Jackson's narration of Go the Fuck to Sleep?

Now we will move on to myself because I love talking about myself...

5. There has been times in my life where I have been told I look like Emily Blunt...now that is a huge fucking compliment If I ever heard one. I would totally disagree because she is so good looking and would probably be offended if she saw me and someone told her that we look alike. And then there has been times where people have compared me to Alanis Morissette.  Now, I feel like a lot of people hold back from telling me this because some people think she is cute others think she looks like a hippie. When they tell me they scrunch there face up before blurting out that I look like her. It's like they are waiting for me to punch them in the face. I'm still deciding on what I think about it. What do you guys think?

Also, I might add that baby daddy has had quite a few people come up to him and tell him that he looks quite similar to Justin Bieber. Yes, Justin Bieber is cute and he is 18 so all you mom's out there that have a secret crush and wish that you could be that cougar you always wanted to be, stay away from my baby daddy.

6. I've decided that cleaning the house is my last priority. I much rather spend my time on Pinterest pinning things that I know I will never make or even attempt thinking about doing. Doesn't matter how much I clean, Cohen is the messiest being of life. Also I have also become addicted to Prison Break, It's mine and baby daddies new addiction. I recently watched 3 seasons of Scandal in 5 days.(I don't know who watched my kids for 5 days but they weren't bothering me)...Kerry Washington is my baby girl and I have never been so supportive of adultery. So that's another reason why I can't seem to get my ass off the couch to clean the house. 

7. I have an addiction to food. I love chocolate. I love cheese. I love anything with high contents of fat and sugar. Throw the "Wanna Be Juicer" post out the window. I generally makes trips to the store to pick out some Prison Break marathon snacks. Now that will get me off my ass. A pint of Haagen Daz Pralines and Cream. This pooch of mine is hanging a little lower over my pant line than two months ago. I really don't fucking care though...*Que* bitchy post about my weight.

8. I love Instagram. I love creeping, I love posting. It's like a bragging app. "Look at how cute my kids are" "Look at my garden". Ya, I'm pathetic. Also a space where unlimited Selfies are not frowned upon.

This post should have been called "Confessions of a Mommy". I'm giving you people a lot of information to make judgments about me as a mother and wife.

My kids make me look like a Bitch

This is a venting post...so you have been forewarned. 

Probably the longest week of my life and it's only Thursday. I haven't been able to post much since I have a bazillion things going on in my world. 


We are talking about Sleep regression and 3 1/2 year old behavior regression(ya I just made that up). Somehow Cohen nugget ends up in my bed almost every night for the past 2 weeks at 4 A.M....(Fuck attachment parenting this is not the threesome in my bed I had originally thought about) right after I put Leo nugget back to sleep for the third time.  My perfectly sleeping baby has decided to wake up 3 times a night. Don't you know feeding your baby solids gets them to sleep through the night? NOT. 

Cohen has also decided that attitude is his new best friend and he like's to play with it A LOT. He also decided to tell me at Sobey's that he was going to punch me in the face in front of a... 70 year old lady. I thought she was going to go into cardiac arrest. Just because I wanted him to park his bike in the bike rack. Who would have thought that would be such a difficult task? 

Soap in the mouth has never been so handy. I used to think my mom was such a B for putting soap in my mouth, but now I totally understand & want to kiss her feet for teaching me that disciplinary tool. Thank-you mom. 

Ever since Pre-School ended, Cohen has showed me what a psychotic 3 year old is. Tears&Tantrums...not Toddler&Tiara's.

This week I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Numerous times. 

Leo also started to crawl so the cute little baby that use to roll over and play on his play mat is now; under the couch, playing with glass tables and getting his legs stuck in the crib.

I was thinking of buying those baby gates that is actually like a dog cage. They have a certain perimeter that makes it so the kids can't escape. 

I.am.so.tired.my.eye.sockets.are.drying.up. 

My next week consists of: Hosting a Bridal shower, Attending a Family Reunion, Volunteering at a day Camp and Entertaining some Family In-Laws. 

By Sunday I will be sipping on some pretty stiff Mojito's. That's if I don't keel over and die.

Aside from my kids, I have had numerous meltdowns about career decisions & goals. Which I already bitched about. I still haven't figured that out but I will give you a break down when I do. For now the only Break-Down I can provide you with is collapsing to the floor and tapping out. 

My kids make me look like a bitch. Not the classic bitch you are thinking of, the bitch that is scared of her kids and leaving the house.

Who want's to Expose their kids, husbands, boyfriends? I'm Recruiting Guest Bloggers

I often Pull my Hair out...But I sure as hell don't look like Beyonce while doing it! Bitch!

Anyways I'm looking for some Guest bloggers to share funny stories, experiences, basically anyone that doesn't give two shits and won't mind embarrassing their significant other, kids etc. Whatever you want really. Please comment in the comment box below or message me on FB if you are interested.