I forgot how to play with my kids.....

I know these blog posts are few and far between. I know some of you could really care less. Most days I want to rid myself of this "Attachment Mommy" alter ego.  But then I'm having one of those nights of insomnia and I can't help but let my mind wander. Who am I kidding,  I've been thinking about this topic for a long time. I just haven't had the guts to talk about it because I'm afraid of admitting to myself that I've let down my kids....a lot. 

So here I go. 

I forgot how to play with my kids. In fact I don't really think I've done a great job of doing that with Leo. At all!!!  I guess I assume that, he has a brother. Or maybe that's my excuse when I feel like I don't have "time". Who doesn't have time though? If I put my technical device down. laid on the floor. Let them drive their cars all over me that would be good enough for them. 

They really don't expect much from us. A little tender love and care and maybe the odd home cooked meal they still love YA to pieces. Sure they drive us bat shit crazy but who loves you unconditionally like that. 

I apologized to Cohen the other day because I spazzed out like a maniac when Leo had shampoo in his eyes. He forgave me in a heartbeat. I really started to think about it after. Why was it Cohen's fault anyway.  Cohen has taken on this role of wanting to do everything for Leo and it's really helped me a lot. I appreciate it. But at times I will come unglued if something crazy happens like showing leo how to cut an apple with a knife (butter). 

Sorry got a little side tracked.

Anyways I feel like a lump of BLAH right now. I know that do a lot for my kids but do I do the things that they really need from me? I took the afternoon off today from work. We brought up every single Disney plush chair we could find and put in Monsters inc. I guess technically that's a fail because the technology was on.

I sat there and I just had to watch them. I don't know where the last year has gone. It has evaporated. Like, Cohen will be five and Leo will be two? Wtf? That is nuts to me. I can't help but feel like I missed it. A whole year.

My days are filled with piles of laundry, dog poop, stepping on dinky cars, answering emails, cooking, cleaning repeat repeat repeat. I also forgot that playing is way more fun than doing any of that.

That is all...I just needed to let that thought breathe. It's ok to forget sometimes, just remember to remind yourself. ✌️

My kids gang up on me and make me ugly cry

It's been awhile peeps. Falling a little behind on life and putting the blogging on the back burner for awhile. I'm sure you have all taken my previous pleas seriously because I am a mental nut case as of last year...but up until the last 4 months I'd now say I NEED SERIOUS HELP. 

They say "never compare your children". I thought they just meant don't compare your kids with other kids, didn't realize that I would be comparing my 1.5 year old and my 4.5 year old. I think when babies are born they like trick you into thinking how easy, cute and adorable they can be. I'm sure some might disagree with me because I never had colicky, non sleeping babes. Luckily they went easy on me for the first six months of their lives. After the 6 months things started getting a bit hectic. 

Cohen was a quiet, independent, loving little guy. I didn't really have many complaints with him until he was 3.5. He never went through the terrible two's or even really three's. I think him being independent is where we butted heads. Then Leo-Cruz came along. Well didn't he give me a run for his money. As a baby, he slept, smiled & ate. I thought I was so lucky that I was blessed with 2 easy kids. Until teeth came along. Obviously, I know that's not his fault. I don't remember as a child but I can imagine that pokey teeth going in and out of my gums that I would become slightly demonic. Well Leo was and isn't slightly...He takes that shit to the next level. 

Kid has 7 teeth poppin threw at the moment. I'm about ready to start poppin pills. I'm already poppin bottles but that isn't really doing the trick. Not only teething but the constant battles with him almost being two. Kid literally screams bloody murder about anything and everything. I'll give you a percentile. 95% of the time he's crying. Either over his cup not being half full/half empty, kind of depends on the day. As of right now he is karate chopping me screaming "MOMMY" because I won't give him candy at 9:30 in the morning. This is just the start of my day. I realize I have to get through 9 more hours of this bull-shit. I can't even go in public anymore, he knows my name now so he yells at the top of his lungs repetitively for I don't know what reason. I'll answer and his response is "MOMMY" in a higher pitch that the last one. Over and over and over and over again. Alllll daaayyyy, eerrrrr dayyyy.

People think I'm lying...until they spend an afternoon with him. He's on the verge of bipolar disorder. I'll give you a percentile, 95% of the time. I'm sure it has a lot to do with him having an older sibling and him wanting to do whatever Cohen does but god dammit kid you can't just off the top of slide. Anytime I use the word "No" it ends in a mental breakdown for both of us. 

I literally can't wait for bed time most days. I know that sounds terrible but I literally spend every waking minute with these kids and five out of seven days they gang up on me and make me ugly cry. 

Last night I wanted to try really hard to cook them a nice meal. Lately when I cook Leo throws it on the floor and Cohen says "Mommy this is disgusting". So I took a break from feeding them and let them fend for themselves. They ate a lot of fruit snacks and granola bars. So as I am cooking, I have a container of Chicken Broth on the counter open. I turned around for one minute and Leo is pouring the whole thing on top of his head. I know he didn't intend to pour it all over himself but he didn't cry about it so I didn't think he cared to much. So there went the effort to cook a meal because he used my only Chicken Broth. 

Seems like when I actually try to do anything right with the kids it back fires in my face. Like eating clean, organic and only feeding them healthy meals. I throw a juice box/fruit snack/goldfish just to keep the peace most days. Or the amount of T.V Cohen watches, there is no limit.  Or letting them paint the train tracks in bright neon colors and then the paint ends up on the doors and floor. I really don't care most days, I don't think it can get any worse right? Or wait...Leo knows how to open doors and has no problem quietly sneaking out onto the street with no clothes on. Or they literally pick, poke, badger the shit out of me most days and I end up in tears in my closet. 

I need to go see my shrink again...it's been awhile.

Smothered

As you may have noticed, it's been awhile. A month to be exact. Little to no inspiration to write a blog post. I've been so busy I don't even know what day it is anymore.  I've thought about writing a few times about how hectic my days are, about the poop Leo smeared all over the floor or that the dog is actually my favorite thing to be around these days, but I will spare you the details.  I've never felt so smothered in my life. Smothered by my kids, smothered by house work, smothered by trying to catch my own breath. Feels like jumping off the highest diving board and never actually hitting the water. I can't even form sentences most days, I constantly hold my breath just so I don't breakdown and cry. I don't mean to complain because let's face it, my life is REALLY good and I am grateful for all of it. I just can't seem to feel rested or motivated or feel like tomorrow is actually going to be an easy day for me.
 
I really can't wrap my brain around it. Is it me? Is the the pressure I put on myself to at least attempt to meet all my duties as a mother? Is it my kids that can't ever get along? Is it teething? Is it a mental leap? I actually don't even care. I'm tired of trying to figure out "what's wrong" with everybody.
 
Do I buy two of everything just so the kids don't fight over it? Do I punish Cohen or Leo? Do I let them watch TV all day? I say I don't care but look at me, I'm still trying to figure it out.
I used to consider that when the kids we're in bed that was time to myself. Now after two kids that doesn't exist. The house isn't cleaned until they're all in bed, the dishes are still in the sink the next morning and the laundry I did four days ago is still in the wash musty. I hate that smell, it actually makes me want to burn all my laundry and the washer and dryer.
 
I have 6 messages on my answering machine from the Mom's at Cohen's preschool asking to have play dates. Consciously I say I will call them tomorrow.
Consciously I still haven't. They're now a month old and I'm sure they think I'm a unreliable bitch.
 
 Again, I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Am I antisocial, am I an introvert, do I just not want to have to separate my kids from their nice kids because mine are terrors. I think all of the above, but it still doesn't make me want to reply to messages.
 
People are genuinely interested in my kids and my life and they always seem to ask me the same question "How are the kids". Well, do I lie? Do I tell you the truth? Do I give you the same response I do every time? Should I change the answer up? Truthfully I want to say, I'm ready to put them in day care for a few days so I can appreciate their personalities, then I would look like a complete failure.
 
I've told myself "try to find the good in your day". Sometimes good doesn't exist. Some days nobodies home and I hit the pillow at night thinking it's August and I'm still bitching.
 
My vocabulary consists of:
Stop it
Don't do that
Don't punch your brother
Go to your room
Go sit on the step
Time out
Stop crying
Say sorry
Come here
Eat your dinner
Wash your hands
Don't play with dog poop
Go to bed
Stop beating the shit out of one another
Share your toys
 
I'm a broken record. Every day. I wish Cohen was in Kindergarten this year. It would be so quiet in my house. Obviously I will still have to stop Leo from climbing on top of the counter and playing with knives, but that's a normal day. Like really you couldn't go for the spoon? I should rename my child Screech because all he does is cry, whine or screech.
 
I've heard some advice from family and friends saying "it gets easier". I'm really wondering if anyone could give me an ETA?

Leo has broken out of Solitary Confinement

You may have seen my post this morning on Facebook. Leo went Prison Break on my ass. Seriously not something I have even given thought to. He has been sleep trained for 8 months now and I cannot praise the heavens enough for that! Once you have a second you take full advantage of that shit. 

Until today....

It was surprisingly quiet in my house at 8:45 this morning. I waltz into Leo's room fully rested when the door won't quite budge. I gently forced it open and I hear "Maaami" (How he pronounces my name - slight accent). I thought to myself, remain calm. 

THE INMATE HAS ESCAPED PRISON. THROW HIM IN THE SHOE (I hope you all watch Orange is the New Black on Netflix to get this reference).

Every terrible thought is running through my mind at this moment. I can forget about quiet time. I guess my closet will suffice. I then messaged my friend and told her the devastating news. She could feel my distress from ALL THE CAPS LOCK I WAS USING. 

So this happened this morning. All because I wanted to improve my quality of life.

"Mommmmyyy can we go to the park?"

"Maybe later. I gotta WORKKKOUTTTT"

"Why do you have to workout?"

"Well son, Mommy is....getting.. squishy"

#redballoonsforryan

by Craftberry Bush

I recently followed a blog called Diary of an Addict. I guess I didn't want to write anything that seemed not sincere enough because it is a heart wrenching story. Three weeks ago Alyssa (Diary of an Addict) posted a picture of a little boy.  This little boy was a family friend. A little tiny boy with red curly ringlets. A little tiny boy blowing a dandelion. He is four years old. His name is Ryan. I scrolled down my Instagram feed and saw pictures of this little boy and red balloons beside the picture.  Unfortunately he was taken to soon from this big world. A lot of the comments or prayers posted seemed like the right words and support to help them through this loss. I could not find the words. I didn't know what to say. I don't feel like my words could help the pain or loss they're enduring.  Jacqui (Ryan's Mother) writes for her blog called (Baby Boy Bakery) about sharing the sweet things in her life. She is currently using this space to share her story of the loss of her little Ryan. In the back of my mind I would get this thought maybe I should share this story. The amount of support and love they have received has made me feel like there is good left in this world. I can't help but feel selfish and undeserving of my kids some days. I often go to bed thinking; I need to try harder, be more patient, give more love. I also feel like this is my platform to share struggles, funny stories and life itself. Reading back some of my post's last week I felt a little ashamed that I couldn't have been anymore unaware as to how lucky I am that I get to see these two little faces everyday. Unfortunately I was even more disappointed in myself as a writer that it took something like this to see my ungratefulness.  I use this as a platform to be honest. Honestly, in my soul I live for these two little faces everyday. Everything you do is  for these little tiny people. These little people make a huge impact on our lives. I have never met Ryan. I have never met his parents. They live in Los Angeles. A great distance from where I live. Still you feel a connection because you to have kids. Some days I wake up and this tiny little face with red curly ringlets appears. Today as I was walking home, I put the kids inside the house and had some groceries to put inside. I was trying to get in the door as quickly as possible so Leo couldn't run out. I was putting the groceries away and Cohen had slipped out to go play. I walked to the front window to make sure he had his helmet on. I look out and I see this little tiny red balloon float into the sky. Tears just started pouring down my face and I was so instilled by the moment of seeing this tiny red balloon float past me I didn't even realize I was crying. The symbolism of the red balloon was started by Alyssa, she knew that Ryan loves red and loves balloons. Jacqui and Dan released red balloons at his service. #redballoonsforryan encircled the web reaching all over the world. Alyssa wanted Jacqui and her husband Dan to see where everyone was sharing while they were going through this hard time. Today after seeing this little red balloon float through the sky I really wanted to share my thoughts. I am truly sorry Jacqui, Dan and Ryan.  I keep Ryan and your family in my thoughts and cherish even the not so happy moments of motherhood even more.  If you would like to read more about Baby Boy Bakery and celebrate Ryan's life, you can read some of her thoughts at her blog.  If you search the hashtag #RedBalloonsForRyan on instagram you can see all those who are sharing and supporting as well as opportunities to raise money for Jacqui and her family.

Soft tubs are not the same thing as hot tubs Ev

If y'all don't know my husband I'm sorry, you are missing out. If you do, then you will hear another story of what I like to call "Classic Ev's". And please don't tell him I told you this story.

It all began Monday morning when he arrived home from his two week turnaround. He's home for about 7 days. If you know Ev you know that he thinks his Birthday is the most important day of the year. It usually ends up being a week long. 

"I have already made my mind up and have thought about this but I wanted to ask you just to see what you think. I want to rent a trailer hot tub."